having an internal debate on whether or not to dress up tonight and go out or stay in and study for my exams this week…… My roommates on my ass about going out but I don’t know if I’m feeling it. Damn it Halloween why do you fall on a Monday?!?!
I’ve been working really hard everyday to love myself, to love who I am and just be me. It’s been a daily struggling to watch these wonderful men fall in love with fake women. To watch my best friend fight and fight with someone who does not appreciate just how much effort he puts into their relationship. To be friends with all these guys and listen to them talk about girls and rate them based on their looks. It hurts a lot. Here I am ready to reinvent myself. Pushing myself physically, mentally and emotionally to become a better me and I feel like I’m right back were I started from. Someone said we are doomed to repeat the past, well I feel like that’s what happening to me. I don’t want it to. I don’t want to hide my feelings, I don’t want to be scared, I don’t want to be the same insecure, bitter, cold person I was. I didn’t like her. I’m not scared of change, I change things more often than I should. I’m a runner, not just in the get fit kind of way, but a runner from problems, from life, from emotions. I try to stay detached from everything only to end up hurting myself in the end. I’m trying to change me, I’m trying to love me for all that I am. But really the one thing in my life that I want is someone to love me for all the above. For my tendency to break down at the most inconvenient of moments, someone who will take me for me, my flaws included, someone who won’t care what others have to say about me, someone who I can sit and talk to about absolute nonsense but never be bored, I just want my someone. I keep thinking maybe that’s to much to ask, but I see everyone else around me finding someone and falling in love and being happy and I wonder if I did something wrong, If maybe I don’t deserve any of it. Maybe I’m being a hypocrite because I always say I don’t need anyone but truth is I do. I need someone to hold me up when I get tired of doing it on my own. I need someone to look at me and tell me I’m beautiful when I stop believing myself. I need someone to tell tell me they love me and that they’ll never leave me and mean it. I wish for all of these things. I try to stay patient and wait for them but the days are growing long and more lonely. I’m not really sure how much longer I can wait.
“It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that’s dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It’s so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can’t say the things you want to.” - Henry Rollins
went and helped my friend Brandon out on one of his Community Crime projects today we were sitting there talking about his lady troubles and all of sudden he asked me “So when are you and Josh gonna date and become boyfriend and girlfriend?” I laughed and told him that probably was never gonna happen and he’s like come on you guys know there is something between the two of you… I attempted to play the stupid card and replied nahh really I don’t know. He’s like you can’t tell me you guys are just really really good friends. And I said yes, less complicated shit happens that way. Then he called me bogus….. So everyone else can see it then why can’t he or why can’t we? I keep asking myself if I should act on it or just let it pass me by. But what if this is something I need what if he could be the one I need. So many questions and as usual I never have the answers.